after the scary computer breakdown yesterday i have decided to back up all my files.
and i am left with my photos to back up. i shall leave random stuff in my com, its okay if they are deleted.

so now im going through all the diskettes and CD-Rs i have piled up and clearing them one by one.
happened to stumble upon this CD that i burnt in a particularly depressing period of my life. wahh, all the super sad and super nice songs.. im like drunk on them now. arghh. i know im not supposed to do it. supposed to hear no evil.. the lyrics so sad. so wrong. but just so nice. oh no.. howwww. i shouldnt be doing this. arghh.


songs like David Tao's 寂寞的季节 and zhang hui mei 记得 and and TENSIONS 我们的故事。。。awwww.. just brings back memories..
and of course, i used to love to blast my songs into my ears and a good song is Penny and Me. the guitar and drums..

and all those secondary school compos i did. which i saved like in year 2003.. wahh, my england really has been powderful all along mann. haha. and geography notes, O level notes.. memories memories. seems so long ago. i miss RVNP from the bottom of my heart. drills, pumpings, and ITCs.. 6.3km run.. when only 10 of us made it in the end. i rmb the whole camp i was dying dying and supported by all the squadmates i had around me. aww. i miss you guys.. yes even the guys.. boon han yanshun zhenbin heileong desmond etc etc. even lame stuff we used to talk about.. *flies around*

i got chemical burnt by phenol today.. and my skin turned white. like michael jackson kind! now it's kinda black though.. the scar you get if you get burnt by an iron.
there were some drops on the ledge of the fume cupboard during pract today so i was leaning on it and got burnt. oh well, at least theres no more burning sensation. faq got it too. record breaking no. of casualties per class.

then at home, my graphics card cranked up. now my com screen looks terrible. its either very high or very low resolution. zz. but its good enough. at least i know that the notes i made is still intact. was so worried previously. Thank God things worked out well. thanks dajie for being around. it meant a lot. (=

like a river flowing through a narrow valley. forced and pushed and compelled to move on at high speed. and suddenly it become wider and its now in the lower course meanders. only to learn that this water particle didnt make it there first. and is one of the slowest.

thats me now.
things are seemingly calm. but it all depends on the water particle to strive to reach the deltas first. there's no more external pressure. until when there is, it'll be too late. each water particle will be divided into different distributaries. to enter the great oceans in a different angle, at a different place.

and im headed to the sea. i havent chose which distributary. i dont want to enter one by the push of the flow but i want to enter one by choosing and striving for it.


seriously melancholic

aye, i've gotta pull up my socks. though mrs koh refused to say.. i bet i am the lowest or if not the second lowest. i had so much confidence in this paper. im seriously very much disappointed. *sighs* thanks cy though. thanks for telling me about your revision and stuff. you're really great to have around (=

and i thank You in all circumstances

been unwilling to start work these few days. been slacking around and sleeping. my head hurts now. medicated oil actually works very well! just a few seconds can feel difference. panadol extra aint as effective.

i will still thank You in all circumstance

yesterday i went to Pulau Bukom with Joanna. was so cool! never knew of this island's existence. then just the two of us. we played like crazy cos there's no one around at all kind. played badminton. we rallied and aimed for 100 strokes non-stop. and only reached 96. didnt bring enough shuttlecocks and they were all destroyed by our trials. lol. played swing - suddenly i remember that my cousin always pushes me. although i have to plead a lot with them to do so..cos i couldnt swing myself. then went to play bowling. was so funny. even if the ball goes down the drain, pin no. 9 is always missing. (there's something wrong with the alley)

ate and swim and sauna-ed. (= great day out. short-lived break from SPA. just 2 more to go (=

for all things work together for the good of those who love Him...

so many negativity these days. so in need of someone there to hear me rant and whine non-stop. welled up emotions. but nothing much to say. i dont want to be a sad kid again.
aye, but then i will be hardened if i just keep to myself, wouldn't I.

still, i wish never to grow up. to be loved and be forgiven. to be treated like one. i dont want to learn to grow up. or to be a grown up. okay, i shall stop this whining. whats the point. but that doesnt mean i dont think so anymore.

今天聚会后的午餐。 不是很俄， 因为饿过头了。 然后就随便吃了一点垃圾。 不是很少啦，最近一直在撑。 因为某些原因而需要吃。 然后就闲聊闲聊了。 就觉得最近我真的发现很多事情。就从营会那时开始。 真得很纳闷真得很苦恼真得很挣扎 。


我发现我常常独自一人。然后因此而对华人 （上一代）认为是基本礼仪的一切一窍不通。 怎么如此呢？ 嗨... 我觉得我自然会对我关心而我喜欢长辈会做的事其实不是什么超级亲切的举动， 而乃是华人礼貌上的一种需求。 那， 就也是说， 我对那我不关心，不怎么注意的长辈是十分的无礼的。 那我就是那属世界，没大没小的小毛头了。 哎哎哎。


can i say i havent been thought? no! i remember being taught of it. was it emphasised? definitely not, especially when i gradually grew up and retreated away from the elders more. was it then the fault of those who were responsible to teach me and not mine? i know not. but since now that i know of it, to not do it would be my fault. would it be easy? no one say so, and definitely not. i never bothered about old people. and worst still, i dont really bother about them. unless its like my dear grandparents whom i care for.


i feel so fleshy. though both meanings are true, i refer hear as being so much of the flesh that though i know the right, and know the way. i still struggle and there's an urge to move away from the right path. is that not the workings of the flesh. its such a struggle that i am fleshy and not Godly.
far from Godly, i am not even acceptable in man's standards. what more God's standards. which is high and unreachable by man's effort and only accomplishable though God's grace.


有再看， 我今天吃饭也有根师母聊上。 她就说到关于一些不律法性但是不被鼓励的行为。 然后我就真的真的真的不赞同。 不知道算不算跟她吵了起来。我希望她没有感觉到是如此不然我就跟是那无礼的小毛头了。 嗨..总之我当时真的不同意师母所说的。 然后不可能要我装成我完全同意的那样子啊。我想问问还是比较好...谁只是姆以突然很凶的语气解释，实在是怕人 。有些咄咄逼人的感觉。 哎， 可我真的还有些无法接受那要干扰别人染发的权利。 我自己当然不爱染发。 会致癌会损发。 但我也不赞同要去discourage 别人如此。 我认为是个人选择。 虽说经上有说， 但我觉得有些的偏向极端。
虽然如此， 我觉得我还得小心那魔鬼巧妙的谎言。 这可能是它的一个策略。纳说到有耶稣仰视我当然不如师母。因该是去接受她的意见吧。 但我之前说过了我是超级属肉体的。因此我还在混乱中。 哎， 不知从何夏收安理好我这不知所措的奇怪情绪。乱！ 挣扎！
这到底是怎么一回事啊？！？！

aiyah. i really have no motivation to study!!
i have been wasting my time every since the holiday. aye, like i told mum.. there's no point lamenting. but let me just do that before i hit the books. or notes rather.

blocks have been quite amazing though. full of God's grace.
i was so reluctant to study during the holidays. i had actually three full mornings and afternoons and one full saturday to study. but i barely did enough.
yesterday was the only free day for blocks. and i slept the day away!! to realise in horror that i had loads to study. then in the midst i recalled that i had to go for work! oh mann. then i studied to late at night. went to sleep. and this is the amazing thing. i was left with kinetics. so i thought. next morning just look through. so i went to bed. then..



i was woken up by dear Holy Spirit. then i felt God urging me to go study. i look at my phone. its like 04.30am?!
then i was like. how can that be. 0.430am lehhh. then i whined a bit then eventually went to sit at my messy desk. immediately i recalled. or rather He reminded me - "you havent touched your organic chemistry!!"
then i sped through my pile of notes strewn all over the place and found my organic chemistry notes. and started memorising and memorising. didnt do a perfect job though. but was sufficient. :)
i intended to hitch a ride on dad's cabby when he fetches mum to work. but that would mean i would be in school rather late. and i cant study on the way cos im really prone to motion sickness. ended up mum went off herself. so dad fetched me to school. reached at 06.30am. it took like only ten minutes plus. since there werent many cars on the road. :)
had another hour to study. thinking of it, i had 2.5h of study with my fresh mind this morning. thanks to You, Holy Spirit. quite cool.. im glad i didnt deceive myself that it wasn't Your voice. :D



then again. im still not very glad to study physics. i was really knocked out when i reach home today. now i have recovered. i think i will go plan what im going to do after blocks to motivate myself then study for physics. i havent study most of it. heard its a killer paper. hmm. no point studying?? just do what i normally do for physics. its 10% 10% only!!

明日就上学了。 我心中有百般的不愿。 这心中的无奈， 不知我主听见了吗。 为何要如此隐瞒。 为何要咄咄逼人。 还是是我自我约束自暴自弃呢。 我心中诚心要知晓。 你说， 深渊必与深渊响应。 难道我这内心的呼求不够深吗， 不足以至你来回答我吗？？
我呼求的日子你就应允我。
我的日子是你所定。

你原谅我的小信吧。
我还有那漫长的路才能成为你计划中的那充满信心的孩子。 我没有信心也没有纪律。 我没有日热也没有胆量。 我没有能力更没有意向。 我是什么。


那无目标的， 如迷失的老鼠。 转来转去， 蛮无目的， 无意义无冲力无呼召。 那就是我。
那属肉体的眼目无法看见， 而我自认像世界多于基督。 我见不到你要我成就的是什么。 我更见不到那得胜的生命那重生的生命哪有意向的生命。仿佛就如无信的人一般。 这是我无能解破不想承受的。



仰首天灰不及心
归家路上思绪杂
此念说新非比新
日月增至比初兴

这“假期”实在是够我忙的了。 嗨， 从一放假任务就连绵不绝，有些overwhelming。 到现在，假期转眼间就过了一大半 。再看看，关于来临的那大考所作好的预备简直是少得可怜啊。 现在还为感觉但我想周末来临时我必然会急得像热锅上的蚂蚁的。 哎呀如何呢？？

上周日的黄城夜韵 的确值得观赏！ 让我出乎意料的事， 那似乎中华文化浓厚的华初竟然华文水准也不怎么样嘛。 不是说演出乃是指观众席中有多少人能真正的看懂并欣赏那华文华语中的内涵与美意。 若我们称得上是本地初院中，华文文化最浓的学府话，新加坡的华文在这短短的十几你年来真的是退步得惊人啊！！
总监大人说过那戏剧乃是个人见解，我便无必要多说。 只是，我较爱的乃是最后一场戏。 布制抽象但情节简单，直接。 主要的更是那两位死去了的前仲裁们的对白够有深度。


哎， 说到那三天的青年团营会啊。本想在休息中真的好好温书但竟然要肚子疼。 但说实在的不在家中我是效率十分低的。 我还在寻找， 还在叩门， 还在恳求， 主你为何不说呢？ 不说你到底要我做什么。 你是要我在你国度里担任什么位置，要我成为一个什么样的仆人。 眼看那人生的十字路口在前方， 我呼求主， 我呐喊， 我哀求。。 就愿主你在我到达之前给我一个明确无可否定的答案， 好让我这一生都有那为你而设的目标， 而不再是我那为归荣耀于己的意念。 就请主你轻声在我耳边说那么一句。

锡安特会 今天是最后一天。 很遗憾的是表哥昨晚没出席。 但我信， 我仍然知道 那从神而来的医治不限于那晚， 更不限于那场地。 哎， 不过我真不知我生命如何， 突然又好像被thrown off my feet agian.怎么会如此，希望我在考试后能够在找会那个 momentum 否则就糟糕了！！

found some really nice peeps to go with (=
hah, and i have decided and said, for more than 100++ times after attending the talk by the School of Medicine, that doctors have sad life.
wee! so im not going to take medicine after all.
study for 5 years.. then slogg for 10years to become specialists.
so much money and no time to spend it. and time cannot buy money nor my precious youth. bahh.


pharmacy is good. hah, think i'll end up there. fulfills my need to save money on seeing a doctor cos now i can prescribe my own medicine at the nearest pharmacy. and change jobs if i dont like it. unlike doctors.. 5 years bond.


went around the faculty of science. and the four of us. me + 3 s74 peeps. got some lame questions right and got a free thumb drive. but the whole thing was quite dui lian. ahhh. and weili and yuanqi happened to be there..ughh. so ma lu. but now i got a thumb drive. haha.


then the guys were like going around pretending to be interested in every booth but having the secret agenda of collecting all the collar pins from every booth. -.- was quite funny..lol. had a good dayy. (=


im going for leading training. yayy.