一寸光阴一寸金，
寸金难买寸光阴。

明日复明日，
明日何其多。
日日待明日，
万事成蹉跎。

啊， 为什么我总浪费时间呢??!!

总觉得自己真的很不争气。 功课做得再多再快也比不上别人考试成绩。 自己知道的再多再熟，考试就是无法将最重要的词写下得分。
总是对自己说要争气点，不要蹉跎岁月不要浪费时间。 却无奈的就是如此地度过岁月。

难道江山易改本性真的那么难移吗？

我不信我不能。
因为那是无逻辑的。

功课多是一回事。
自己的言谈又是另一回。

怎么不能自拔地做出自己明知不该的事。
不是说什么伤天害理的事。 而是那不义之事。

有一天我会做到。但愿那日近临。
我要天天奋斗征战。直到我战胜为止。

说得到容易。

做得到，我不信难！

我要攻克己身叫身服我！

凌晨三点我在干吗？？
就是自己贪婪的后果， 我决志要改变我的恶习！！

就是白天不知为何躺卧了，一觉不醒， 醒了又倒下。 浪费了光阴。

突然想到：光阴似箭 日月如梭
不久就要是大考了我还在干吗？

我要奋斗我要征战。 天天都要，直到我战胜为止！

我得奋斗我得征战。 天天都得， 直到我战胜为止！

我会奋斗我会征战。 天天都会， 直到我战胜为止！

我要战胜 我得战胜 我会战胜！
我不一人奋斗， 不一人征战，不一人得胜。
更不因自己得胜。

我靠着那加给我力量的，凡事都能做！

有一天我会做到。但愿那日近临。

光阴似箭 日月如梭

所以那天真的不远。

这不是一个遥不可及的目标。 而是近在咫尺！

well, every tuesday is enjoyable.
today i went home early and tended to my rather neglected pets.

had quite a great difficulty trying to clean my tortoises.
i changed clean water for them about 14h before and when i saw them this afternoon they were totally dirty again. yucks. they stink too!
anw, tried hard to catch them, and failed. so i dont know how but i managed to brush their dirty shells. but i think i gave them quite a trauma.

then my lizards. they are normal. hope they wont be jealous of their new neighbours. now that im more busy with work and all also.

my tank's realy dirty and i have a new idea for project aquarium.
currently sourcing for lego blocks. if anyone has. please donate. haha. after As i will built a underwater lego empire in my tank! wee. haha.
but i need to buy bigger tanks and clean up the balcony first.
dont laugh if you're reading. its really possible. i've got two big tanks and two small ones. i am thinking of putting all my fishies and lobster in a big tank, with probably the tortoise. but i will elevate the tortise's territory with sand laid with lego bricks as stairs for them to climb up to a platform to bask in the sun:)

and i am going to do some research on ways to prevent stupid algae growth that is so rampant in my tank. cos my tank is in the balcony out in the sun.. algae growth is really easy and is at an exponential rate. even my lobster is covered in it la!

okay. after that i cooked teriyaki chicken steak and rice and watched wallace and gromit dvd mum bought back. haha was quite nice. and after that ate a pear, drank some nice drinks. and have no idea how i fell asleep. haha. nice nice day. if only i woke up to find that there is no work to do. but obviosuly there is!
haha, im off to do my numerical methods liao. (:

Searching the world
The lost will be found
In freedom we live
As one we cry out
You carried the cross
You died and rose again
My God
I’ll only ever give my all

You sent Your Son
From heaven to earth
You delivered us all
It’s eternally heard
I searched for truth
And all I found was You
My God
I’ll only ever give my all

Jesus we’re livin' for Your Name
We’ll never be ashamed of You
Our praise and all we are today
Take take take it all
Take take take it all

Running to the One
Who heals the blind
Following the shining light
In Your hands
The power to save the world
My life

Take, take, take it all.
Take, take, take it all.
Take, take, take it all.

do i really have that compassionate a heart?

having been helping out with RDA for some time. and also taking care of ah chiu.
i won't say i have been doing a job.
i would say i probably would have not been doing my job satisfactorily.
not meeting certain requirements expected.

or is it what i expect of myself. but i doubt so.

people with disabilities. physical and intellectual..
how different are they from us, the normal people..

its easy to see how imperfect they are.
its easy to see how imperfect we are too.
but we just tend to forget or choose to decieve ourselves, in the name of self-encouragement.

or perhaps we don't even know or see it.

they cant do things others can. - - disability

but we cant do everything others can either. -- disability too!

we are disabled in one way or antoher. and i believe its God's Soveriegn choice to make it obvious (like the disabled) or innate (for us ' normal people')

so we are all the same. needing help and support in the way we are inequipped.
a CP person needs help to support his body.
a academically weak person needs help in his school work.
a CP person can train to control his bodily movements.
an academically weak person can do the same.

why then do i treat everyone differently.
why do i the disabled so differently, and special from others.

not that i shouldnt be nice to them.
i should understand their inabilities and help them out where they need assistance.
i can accept their shortcomings

how come i cant do that for 'normal people'
how come i cant understand the innate disabilites, understand and help 'normal people' as much as i feel to help the disabled.

i realised, i too am disabled.

im book crazy.
im turning into a book worm *crawls crawls*

let's see i bought like 6 books in one week! crazy me!
i bought xiaohuidie xiaopifeng, wo de xin zhong mei tian kai chu yi duo hua, the blue stone.
and i just bought a book for my stinky sisters bdae tmr..
and two of CS Lewis' Screwtape Letters.. initially bought for my sister to give her friend, but after flipping though it i decided to buy one for myself. hah.

called. chosen. faithful
-taking a small step ahead-

我不要再浪费时间等待。 我要好好的使我的时间有果效。
我不要盲目的耕耘忙碌。 我要听我神 所命。
我不要埋头苦干忘了如何静下来。 我要顺服于来自圣灵的感动。

我不要做我的主宰。 我要耶和华来掌管。
我不要担忧。 我要交托与那全能神 。

亲爱的美仪姐 ： keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, or you'll grow whiney.
哈哈。

这几天觉得自己真的很烂。
又是个被宠坏的孩子。 又是一个没礼貌的孩子。 又是一个霸道的姑娘。 更是一个不听话的女儿。

Sorry Rachel, try Unicode UTF-8.. not all the weird Chinese encondings on windows :)

今天刚剪了个头发。 不是很喜欢。因为自己乱弄会很丑。 待会儿洗完澡了再看如何。
谢谢小颖 今天陪了我。名字没弄错吧..

今天觉得自己有些懒散。 功课方面没有了前几天的那冲劲了。有迟到上学有恨失败的没有真正好好读我的化学测验。 真感到惭愧。 我得奋斗我得加油。 我不管被人说什么，不管他人如何想。 我只知道， 我不要一信主就拿到我生平中第一个国际试卷上的 B。
这是我自己要知道的。 要看到的。 不可能靠自己的能靠神..而要证明靠神的人必蒙祝福！
更是要让我母亲见着，姐姐成绩不好不是因为太过于投入教会服侍。
也要刚强我自己的心。 让我信心加增。
先求我的国和我的义的，这一切都要加添给你..
我知道你的话语不落空。这是你给我的应许！！

为了激励自己，提醒自己，节制自己， 来看看我这周末得赶上的事吧。

1. Nervous System Reading (Tuesday afternoon 2)
2. Nervous Tutorial (Tuesday evening 3)
3. Excretion Notes (incomplete) (Tuesday afternoon 1)
4. Trigonometry chapter 11 (Saturday1)
5. Trigonometry Chapter 13 (Saturday2)
6. Trigonometry Chapter 12 (Saturday3)
7. Prepare BS for Sunday (Saturday evening4)
8. Study SPA!! (Sunday)

正在读幾米的作品- 小蝴蝶小披风。 其中看见了自己从前的莫样...也看见类似自己现在的思维。 简简单单，文图相得益彰的好书籍..好想多买一本读。

其中有一小节， 小披风说：“亲爱的神秘的伟大的宇宙，我有好多好多的愿望。但我没有耐心等流星一颗颗坠落时， 才慢慢一一许愿。拜托拜托， 让我一次说完所有的愿望好不好...”
就在那一瞬间， 亿万颗亮闪闪的星星， 如暴雨般迅速落下天地一片昏暗， 小披风吓得完全说不出话来！


这节的图案超可爱！ 也是书中令我哈哈大笑得最大声的一节。此外， 当然包含着那从古至今，依然被教导的道理：不要贪心！ 凡事知足常乐 （：

为什么不跟大家一起玩游戏的小朋友， 就不算是乖宝宝呢？

这就是我...从小的样子。但从没如此想过，其实不爱群 所以不大合群。也没错啊...儿时的那无为的自卑其实也仅此罢了。

人生的的确确有许多无法挽回的局面与事情。 小披风和小蝴蝶 也就因为一个逐渐燃尽的蜡烛而哭泣。 我们何尝也不是为了生命中 这样芝麻绿豆但无法控制的‘小事’而沮丧？ 可能你不会，但我承认自己正是如此。 就刚不久就有此心情。

这是不成熟吗？ 是愚昧吗？ 是幼稚吗？ 是软弱吗？
那感而表达自己软弱的一面的，难道不是比那不敢显示，逞强并掩饰的更为 刚强吗？
我以为敢于表露自己不完全的， 内心乃是最刚强的。 当然除非，你能说你是完全，没有掩饰也见不到任何缺陷。
但撒谎是不对的！ 哈哈。

mum's flying later at 3am.

i've got my tortoise today. and bought a chinese book (:

was rather tired ytd and today i dont know why. today i came home and had no idea how i fell asleep. but it wasnt too long, and was rather refreshing (:

its nice to have someone cooking at home actually. im quite envious of those who always have food at home. i already am very thankful that my mother is free these few days to cook. cos i find myself eating more regularly and eating more healthily.

i ate my first pear in a zillion years today. and there are sweet strawberries in the fridge.

i really enjoy life now, though the big As are coming just round the corner.
i find pleasure in those little things, and give thanks for them.
its really really nice..to taste strawberries and nibble on some chocs, lazing on a massage chair to read a few books. (:

thank You Jesus for this.
You're one big thing i give thanks for.

today was early dismissal day.
and while walking out of school, i thought the security guard was going to stop us cos it wasnt 1pm yet. but guess hwat? he asked me if i wanted two tortises. he said his friends gave it to him but he dont want. yayye. im gonna have more aquatic pets.

and i slacked at home for most of the time, preparing cos my cousins and aunt were coming over for dinner.
had my favourite favourite unagi. and fondue. with strawberries. yums.
im turning fat. but aye, this body will one day be fat anw. so whats the point of resisting the temptation of food. (:

then i finally sat on the osim massage chair. oh..so nice. last time i find it painful, and pointless. now after turning old and aching all over.. its actually quite a luxury. im gonna sit in it every day man. and fall asleep in my rocking chair. oh perhaps read a book in my rocking chair like an old granny. lala. if only there was a special someone. haha, but obviously..i have no special someone.

oh, and today i did complex numbers III and numerical methods I. im amazed at my speed. tmr can get group II tut le.

reminiscence of Sunday's message of the Fire of God. I'm speaking in new tongues!! wee~
okay, and i haven't been good at taming my evil tongue. i shall zip my mouth..and refrain from saying bad things to others. or mock at others.
to kim: i won't say bad about st nicks. but rv still rocks (:

im getting wireless at home finally. thanks to my cousin (:

mummyee's really leaving soon. i'm gonna miss her so muchh..but anw. its her birthday today actually. (sub script: and chuan yuan and david) haha. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM! I wonder if you would see this though.

i love you mumm! God bless you on your trip. our prayers would be backing you up (:

and so the week has started with a burst.
the FIRE OF GOD!!!

and so i got my first calling from God. which hmm, i would say i barely understand.. intercession. did i even spell it correctly??
but just as I have been called, I would want to be faithful and be called by Him as loyal and faithful servant :)

and perhaps, i shall stop talking too much. for i read this scary verse.. But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgement for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you wil be condemned. -Matt 12:36-37
yikes, its time to tame my tongue!

they say time passes quickly when you're having fun. and time crawls when you're in agony.

well, the trip home from church is always so quick..like a blink of an eye, whenever im troubled.
on the contrary, the trip home after a fun day is always so dreadful, and so longg.

this time. i aint sure why im unhappy. im just..unhappy.

its the kind of feeling you want someone there.
yet you want to be alone.
its the kind of feeling you wished someone could be nice enough to acompany you home. or give you a lift.
yet you dont want to be a bother to anyone.
its when you have loads of contradicting ideas about all the little things that have happened just recently, yet you dont know which is right. and dont know how to react to it all.

they say when you go to heaven, all matters and troubles in our earthly lives would seem so funny and miniature. we'd probably laugh when we recollect. and i believe.
but the problem is, thats cos God's there more than anywhere. He is manifested greatly in heaven..in light, in glory, in prescence.
and now, i am on earth. and the problems are real. and not of a past. unlike what it shall be when im in heaven.

and so how can i just let it go. let it settle. think its funny to worry over such things.

its once again my weak faith.

i whine about so much things. i do find them elementary and childish. spiritually and in the eyes of the world too. how i wish i wouldnt be like that. i'd rather be a really young child who knows nothing, thus not worrying. or be a wise old woman, who already knows and understands these matters of consequence.

i dont like being stuck between these two. cos you dont know which to become.. dont know how to settle things well. stumble here, fall there. and all i know is to worry. isnt it.

after clearing up some stuff or rather adding on some stuff on this blog.
i went on to clear up my room.. aftermath of blocks are finally disappearing. not totally yet. still need to file a lot of stuff. papers strewn everywhere merely got stacked neatly and categorised..

well, i mopped my room. cos tonight's moon is blue. very blue indeed. spick and span.

then i wrote out the endless list of work to do.

1. Complex no. tutorial 3
2. Charged particles tutorial
3. charged particles test next monday
4. chemistry amides tutorial
5. NMR spec tutorial
6. Numerical methods tutorial 1 & 2
7. excretion essay questions
8. excretion notes
9. reading nervous system (cos i missed one lect)
10. Chemistry SPA coming up

just ten. not much. just to be done in this weekend or the week to come.

anw, i just realised how near to As we are. seems far rite.. but dont forget guys, prelims around sept. so by aug should be more or less done with revision. or clearing up the mess as ms cheong always puts it. clearing doubts and understanding. perhaps not memorising, but should understand ALL. no doubts TOTALLY. so its high time to revisit year one and term one topics to find out my misconceptions and loopholes in understanding.. plus juggle that with the heavy tutorials.

umm, lets see. if i manage to do all these in 4 months (which is highly impossible) then i have a month (4 weeks only) to memo and practice all that i know and understand. thats only one week per subject. not to mention that we still have to attend school. so guys, there really isnt much time.

i rmb i was already almost finishing clearing my mess for Os in april 2004. and now, april 2006.. i have yet to be able to start clearing my mess. time is running short..

praise. is when you can't stay on your feet. when you can't help jumping about in your room despite a sprained ankle (=

its really busy these days. really really busy.
the list of tutorials just goes on. it never ends.
3 math tutorials, 1 physics tutorial, 2 chemistry tutorials. chemistry test coming up. chemistry SPA coming up. Physics SPA coming up. how am i going to cope?!

i'm seriously thinking of quitting my job already. in 2 months or so.

spiritually dry. mentally exhausted. these two always come together huh? maybe i should stop relying on myself.. which is so hard. i never exactly know when im doing that until i get weary..

today's really much of an encouragement than all other days. its been a long time since i could climb out of bed at five thirty. not felling that weary. the prayer worked, i guess.

i need to be more focussed.

parents day. church camp. so much to cope. don't let me suffocate..

我就是不喜欢那喧哗后的低沉， 那庆宴后的空虚， 那希望后的失望。

可能那天我就是无法安抚好自己的情绪，所以逃离了现场。 这是人们看为生气的举动，是我自我自卫的反应。

我好想离开。
我知道我不能。
我知道我不该。
但这也无法改变我想逃离的意念。

还是那句话，让我独自一人便行。

我从不真正了解为何这称得上是一种骄傲。 我依然认为，那是出自与恐惧多过与傲。

我不否认我喜欢有人的陪伴。 但人来，总会走。 有希望，必有失望。 我宁可无人无望， 也不要从高处摔下... 偏体鳞伤， 惨不忍睹。

唯独你不离开我唯独你不会是我的希望落空。
谁能像你。 我能投靠谁。 我不要其他， 唯要你。 唯有在你怀中有那保障， 那永恒的保障。

its nice. dont you think?

to sit alone, in the warm morning sun. facing the wind, hearing to the sounds around you.

its nice, dont you think?

to be alone, undisturbed. it's a controlled environment, and work can go on smoothly
time seems to go slow. work seems to be more efficient.
troubles seems further.

its nice, dont you think?

to be peaceful, and be able to think quietly.
to come to face yourself..and see your shortcomings. and to take on a postitive attitude
to sort out your confused emotions and thoughts, slowly one by one.

its nice, dont you think?

it the sun never sets and never rises high in the sky.
that it remains as warm and cuddly and the day as bright as morning.

its nice, dont you think?

to be alone. all by yourself =)

i'll never be again.


sometimes you think it's nice to have caring people around you.
of course its nice.
but is it to the others?

sometimes despite your shortcomings,
you want to lead life normally
you want to show you can, and you can
you dont really need help
you dont really like sitting down doing nothing
you end up make others worry..

sometimes people seem to say the wrong things
and you feel sad
and others come along to tell you,
no its not true..
but sometimes, that accidental splur was the the only truth.

perhaps all these sometimes make up all the time in my life.
im confused about this world and how to deal with people. i still feel comfortable in my hiding place.
im not angry. im just.. unhappy.

children just need to be left alone.
leave me alone.
i'll be fine. really.

anything more done only makes me feel like a burden. again.

i guess you're too busy. thats why.

it's no big deal actually.

list of injuries
badly sprained right ankle (*new!)
back problems
tennis elbow
weak knee joint from previous sprains

more unahppy things
horrible results
i cant do exercises and has been so for real long time.. since last year

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails and the field sproduce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalss,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Saviour.

-Habakkuk 2:17-18

It's time to get serious.
I dont know.. I'm not that kid anymore, sometimes. Sometimes, I am.
I dont fancy games anymore..I dont enjoy crapping anymore.
I dont know what i want now.. I want something more, something good, better, greater.. I dont think that's asking too much from an awesome Creator.

I dont want to wile my time away anymore.
I dont want to speak futile words.
I dont want to succumb to the flesh.
I dont want to lose control and focus of my mind, and let it stray into dangerous grounds.
I dont want to do things I know I'm not supposed to do.

But I fail and still do.

But I still struggle on.

It's a battle everyday. I still fight on. I must fight on. I will fight on.

I may not be winning now, but I know I will.

For I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.

I need to kill myself. I will kill myself. I will not let myself thwart great plans.

I said I was tired.. in the last entry. And that very night, You gave me a glimpse of the waters I've never been to. You said it. I want to be that faithful one who perserveres. I will.

For I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.

I know, It's a battle everyday.
I will get killed one day.. I hope it's soon.

And therefore, I cannot rely on my strength.

I can, though, rely on You.

For I can do all things through Him who gives me strength

its going to be another hectic week. with SAW coming up and preparations, with getting used to the finally settled new timetable that is coordinated with my working schedule.
now i have to set my own work's plan. im quite tired.

tired of this monotonous ritual of working through everyweek. i dont see myself as an excellent student.. not like the past. so i dont get any personal satisfaction from it. and so im rather bored.
challenged thousand and one times to work for the glory of God. i know. its my heart that has grown tired.
and i also know.. that the Word says never to be tired of doing good things. but I am. so how??

being faithful is not about being excellent in swordsmanship, to kill all the enemies. but rather to pick up the sword and fight on even when we aren't fantastic, even when we dropped it in the midst of the battle.


went to play with lei lei today after service and a very cheem lesson on resurrection of the dead.
i still need to digest the stuff man. but somehow i think it'll help if i stop asking so much questions. if not i will be btting off more than i can chew? but it just puzzles me.. perhaps cos im more of a big picture person. i need the big picture before going into details. somehow these lessons dont work this way.. so i gotta be puzzled till i know the details and then draw up the big picture myself??

anw, lei lei was so cute today. she woke up when i reached home with weiling after lesson. so cutee.. haha. then i can keep carrying her. hehe. play with her using toys, feed her, see her bathe.. haha. she's quite naughty. but only a little. the tolerable kind.. babies eat goo i realised, that has funny look. everything is in paste form..grey goo mixed with green goo. supposed to be rice, brocolli and carrots i think.

i shall go sleep. yawns. im tired still..

hmm, i wonder who reads my blog.
i know chieh does. and joyce dajie. and myself.
im too lazy to do a tagboard.. the scary box below was actually meant to be temporary.. *nuahs*

i dont know. i really cant stand noisy children especially high pitch screams for no apparent reason. and parents should always control their children like in buses or other public places. children nowadays dont listen to parents, parents nowadays spoil their children. BUT parents aren't the only ones tolerating bad child behaviour. if your kid has a behavioural problem, and u suffer.. thats your problem. dont make other members of the public suffer with you! or suffer as a consequence of your neglect.

i was on the bus home today. i was so so so tempted to turn around and scold the noisy screaming girls sitting behind me. what's their problem man. their mother had been scolding and slapping them for making so much noise. warned them and what not. they shut up for barely 3 seconds.
its okay if they make ocassional noise.. children tend to do so. but please, no screaming continuously for the entire bus ride until i reach home which took about half an hour.
this is not the first time, and they aren't the only ridiculous kids around. and that mother isnt the only parent around inable to keep their children in hand. but its just so irritating. i seriously think that corporal punishment is essential, neccessary and indispensible in taking children into hand. they aren't old enough to think so what's the point explaining. their brains probably only understand pain well.. the human instinct. parents should use this point to their advantage. explanation can come in at a later part of their lives. of course, punishment in moderation. not abuse. but what's a bit of pain for discipline. since when do humans get disciplined easily, without any pain.

even thirteen year olds who join NPCC needs to learn some things through pumpings and tekan sessions.. all the more toddlers and young children need them. only till maturity enables them to ponder and control oneself. taking myself for an example, do i not need some pain to understand some things, even though i would say my brain is definitely more capable of thinking and rationalising then those noisy bums on the bus.

yea, i know i know.. i m in no position to say this cos im just a kid. but parents, please.. smack your kids if they are noisy. its for the good of you, them and everyone else around. its never only about you and your children only.

any comments? do you think i should have warned the children instead of tolerating their inconsiderate behaviour?