oh wells, today marks the finalisation of my blocks results.
i did surprisingly well i must say. but all i could feel was.. 'im glad i did satisfactory.' though it was not merely satisfactory in some subjects.

perhaps my expectations of myself has gone down
after entering this choice school for which i struggled and strived and sacrificed for, but found out that it was far from my dream.
somehow fantasy is always better.

failure after failure,
disappointment after disappointment.
and after choosing painfully to give up the things and ideals i used to hold on to..
the results suddenly do not matter to me anymore.

im just glad. but this cannot give me the satisfaction i once strived for in the O levels.
which after all gave me but a day of joy yet took away one and a half years of hard labour.

far too tiring. far too pointless.

i can't bear the thought of flunking my As.
but i know that even if i had 4As. there will only be relief, and no satisfaction.

somehow i feel that 4As is expected of a 6 pointer. and its a disappointment not having any S papers already

i'll just do my best and hope for the best.
but somehow, anything will do.
i'll may not be super elated with 4As.
neither will i be mourning over the lack of it.

it'll all pass in a week or so after getting my A level results anyway. i just hope that i will get into the course You want me to be in. that's all.

是看透了 还是不再抱有希望了？