Definitely a reason to rejoice, definitely a time to rest.
Surprisingly a time of taking stock of my life, and I don't feel good about it at all.
Examsreally, i think i let myself down
what happened to my disicpline and determination
i think my concentration just dwindled down throughout the examination periods
promises i made to myself i broke within days
i need to focus, and i am not looking forward to getting ANY of the results
if i get a C, i might as well close losing the chance of doing FYP and end up doing a 4 year Degree w/o honours
Canoe Poloyes, i totally understand the need to train together, the importance of it all
i desire to be but i desire not
only canoe polo
i just hope I can be allowed to play even with my priorities set as it is now...
being a leader means you have less rights... says aunty ruby
sure, giving up my rights for God is something I can reconcile with myself and am willing to let it go, to the extent i am doing now.
I have been mentally preparing myself of the probability of getting out of polo, the moment I got in. Not out because of myself, but out because anytime God can say.. that's hindering my availability and willingness even to serve Him. or the demands compromises matters of Him.
but I don't think I am ready as yet.
I think this semester God has been ever so kind and loving, that He has guarded my back during all those rolls I have been doing, stern dips and stuff. I believe my back condition in JC was in His will and His Sovereign way of taking me out of my academic committments (cos I have a valid reason for being CCA-less). but it also took away all the pride I have with sports and being able, and zai and all that stuff I
thought I was in RV.
somehow I fear not being to catch up with everybody cos I sprint so slow, can't roll, and ain't really as available for trainings. maybe, I am every coaches' nightmare.. staying on and cannot commit? What am I up to...This is what: I'd love to play, i WANT to play... but my God comes first. that's all I can say.
I have friends that refuses to hang out on Sundays (or Saturdays) because it's "boyfriend day". The day of the week they spend time with her boyfriend only and no friends can date them out at all...and that's the kind of commitment a relationship should have I would say. Although it's exasperating at times for the rest of us, but that's how it is. They can say sorry a thousand times but boyfriend day is still boyfriend day. Sunday is Sunday...my God
deserves it. He loves me beyond anyone.
ah, it's not everyone would understand but I'd just pen down my thoughts here anyway.
I am not one bit offended. I understand the concerns of both canoe polo go-ers and church leadership..but I still have to make a decision rite. this is it. just bracing myself for the consequences.
MinistryPraise The Lord! So many new souls have been ushered into the youth!
precisely what we have been praying for, and yet.. there's this uneasy burden in my heart.
not a Godly burden. but a tension in me - this semester has been a stepping out of "church is my CCA" phase in my life and into a "canoe polo is the thing for me" attitude.
I know the model Godly answer: Souls are the eternal rewards in the Kingdom of Heaven.
hey, i TOTALLY believe that. yes! but you know, canoe polo is so me-ish, with the capital M.
then i have the LOUD selfish voice going: eh i got exams i got no time and hello, i cmi anw. like how on earth do i know how to take care of young believers?
and i vividly remembered that evening 4th service that i went - when God promised a season, a new season of
productivity to me. I was so excited. now it feels like I am getting a CA results and I think I am going to fail badly. :( how?!?!?!!:(
Attitudenah, i where got attitude... i always try to smile and be nice.
yah rite.
in church lah, more than other places..then again, I think I am no longer living as much a double life anymore. cos my attitude is bad everywhere.
think I have been super task oriented. super focus on Me Myself and I.
that I have neglected my fellow pharmers...and even aunty joanne says I am very fierce. I thought it was just I forgot to smile, i thought no lah, I'm growing up.. u expect me to always be xiao xiao and bump around to tell u things meh. I only tell u seriously, never joke like
that xiao xiao used to what...
today, i really think i got an attitude problem
not that i never had
but i think since i became a Christian, its the first time its never improved, but deproved instead.
ahhhh. i think im so angry about some stuff. i just don't know where to start. and the superficial things are not the true reason. maybe even me myself don't know what.
i need to settle this before the tackle the next:
Church Workall the library and the glass cleaning and stuff.
i have not been touching them.
and i am going to work on them
clear all the useless paper work i have stacked up over 2007 period i have been working there, up to the beginning of this semester.
time to set things in order. get those skeletons out of the closet and sweep away the dust.
for one i am determined to only have an in tray & not a separate stack of paper work accredited to me who isn't there to clear it up.
glass cleaning, logistics, i need to set things right.
i need to set
myself right before I can even set others right.
wisdom needed. James 1:5 :)
i don't think
anybody would have survived that, it's just for me to pen down some thoughts.
and many ppl won't be able to understand all the parts.
either u understand some or none but not all.
anyway, u probably have just scrolled down here to read the conclusions or something..
whatever it is.
my traditional post examinations ritual: PACK MY ROOM.
going to sleep and starting the age-old ritual in the morning.
loves:)
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