Day 1 of the real fight. the real war. the real semester is when mid-term break is over and things accelerate.
The real fight, when I decided: that I will still give my best in ministry as well as canoe polo.
because now, competition dates probably clash with baptism class dates.

I feel a sudden need to grow up.
My 1st agonising project is gone. The agony. is not the people.
The agony is the vast difference in the way we work.
The agony is me. I am more puzzled, and anxious than angry and frustrated.
But somehow the way I communicate or express things, have not been well balanced and turns out to portray me as an angry frustrated person. I am not!

puzzled: that there are people who work this way!
I am always puzzled at things foreign to me, or out of my normality.

I try to encourage, and try to spur people on.
but somehow it turns out that they say I put them down.

I try not to be too serious as I know I can be, I try to add in a lil humour.
But somehow it turns out that I am not serious and always talking crap. I am not.

I try now, to be serious, no need to talk rubbish. Cut the chase. Cut the crap.
But somehow it turns out that I am lone unhappy unfriendly. I am not.

I try now to be objective, not taking sides, not offending the 2 camps of people. but wanting to help. But somehow it seems I will be treading on dangerous grounds, going to offend one party and side the other. I do not take sides. I speak the truth. and how things I think ought to be done.

I try to be a leader. I try to tell people what's right, what to do when to do.
Somehow turns out I'm the bossy kid, only to be ostracised and ignored.
Thanks for ostracising me and then being nice again.

I try to lighten your load, by promising more teams, more rotation, less rostering per month.
But somehow, before it materialises I get an unfriendly "Where's your other teams? Why haven't they materialised?"
Maybe on this matter I am being too sensitive.
Maybe its really a soft spot that I feel I really am not doing my best yet.
Maybe its just you.
I always jump to defending myself when you criticise me. Maybe its just us. We can never communicate properly. or is this a self-fulfililng prophesy that nothing will work out..why will it? complicated matter-mental note: shelf aside for the longest possible time


I try to do my best.
I try to juggle everything.
glass cleaning roster, church library, discipleship, follow up, youth, sunday 1001 duties, canoe polo, studies, praying, friends, family, extended family, spending time with Him, housework, guitar, worship, baptism class, assurances, 10 truths, tuition...


I actually can only juggle 2 balls for 3 seconds in real life.
DO I LOOK LIKE SUPERWOMAN?
So why don't people around me be realisitc about expectations of me.

I am not superwoman.
有时候真的会很想作个小女人。
有时候 = rarely.
because that's when i have an escapist mentality.

but now is not the time. now is time to confront and to run.
out of breath and angina kicks in.
old injuries hurt and fatigue sets in.
dehydration and the glaring sun strips me off any other energy I have left.
That's when, I rely on Someone else.:D

I believe.
Believing is seeing.

Labels: mugging ramblings, S.T.R.E.S.S., 承诺