There is this surreal anxiety building up in me.
After the ordeal of having a convention, a busy weekend followed by 2 heavy duty tests this week..
all was over on wednesday morning.. I went home and satisfied my never-ending sleep debt.

from Wednesday evening to noon on Thursday.
Understand that this is a rare treat especially toward the end of semester, even for a pharmacy student.

but anyhow.. Friday only had one 4pm to 6pm lecture.
sleeping is an escapist's paradise.

with the constant nagging of million things behind my mind.
and deciding to waking up to face the music today, i have a thousand million unwillingness to do some things festering within me.
festering because is malignant, consuming and devouring every good and desirable attribute of my character.
and I find myself delving into a whirlpool of sludge.
of poor behaviour, childish tantrums, and absolutely selfish irresponsible decisions.

how did one decision expose myself to such a slurry of moral onslaught?
a decision that seemed harmless enough
that seemed only a fight between having fun and being busy VS being free and not having as much fun.
became a war to keep the ground of the transformed person who I aspire to be against the ancient forces of self-centred-ness.

I juggle too many balls.
I'm probably crumbling inside, morally, spiritually, socially, intellectually..

regularly giving BS is what I resolve to do.. but ironically..not the youth meetings.
how come I am so short sighted on not seeing the purpose. I only see those of immediate consequence. or maybe I really have outgrown this group that was never really my social class nor age group.
I never heard of new believers asked to set a good example for people who grew up in Sunday school all their life. But of course, I don't qualify as being a new believer anymore. But I don't suppose I fully grow out of that mentality as yet.. that people who have known the Lord for so long are behaving as such. I expected to learn something from them when I first came.. really did.

with another scary test on wednesday and the race to prepare for tuition tomorrow, after friendlies, after sunday service, after tonights youth meeting, after BS.
I have to say I am only human trying to survive on this Earth.
Trying not to have a hope that I can only play canoe polo and go diving and enjoy the sun sand sea only in Heaven!

不爱惜自己的生命以至于死
The Word of God is always a higher standard, a solemn reminder... and not attainable solely by any human effort
It seems I lost that extra I need, sometimes.

Labels: mugging ramblings, S.T.R.E.S.S.