Well, there goes half, exactly half of my holidays. It's a quarter for everybody but not for me.
Results are out and I really am disappointed. I guess no matter how bad, I always hate myself for any deprovement.
Have been home almost everyday, only leaving the house to church/ neighbourhood and not going out at all. This has been my life since the reading week. People may think I'm weird. and I didn't even go for class outing today.
I have been praying, perhaps to make up for the time I lost this academic year, for the past almost a month. and truly, time spent with God puts yourself in the right perspective, and some how the struggles you go through...they seem lessened. I guess being refilled by the Holy Spirit really does give one strength. :)
I have learnt so much in knowledge and been complaining that my head is full of truth but my heart is void of love. I realise now that knowing must be coupled with spending time with God for the heart to be transformed into acceptance.
I have never read Dr. Bailey's book for less than 6 months before I finished it. But I just completed one in the past week. I am amazed too! Plus two other books - 几迷's 失乐园series. 以前，没有那个闲情逸致，停下脚步来思考，来阅读。这几个礼拜却拿起了搁放许久的书籍，重新审查了自己。
The Dr. Bailey's book - on the Kings of Judah. Well, it just elaborates greatly on the verse "耶和华的意念是赐平安的意念，不是降灾祸的意念。 ” Many times when a King turns away from the Lord, he goes through wars and diseases and what man sees to be retribution from God. But truly, God desires the difficult cirucmstance to turn the King's focus back onto Him. That in dire circumstance, without one's strength we look back to Him. But many fail to do so and seek not the Lord. I guess, no I believe, this is the case for my studies.
I told my friend I came to terms with my rebellion because I coudln't come to terms with obedience. I knew what I was to do. and I even DID what I knew was right, but it was so difficult and so sorrowful I never wanted to do it again. and to another friend, I said "I just want to canoe polo my life away" because I felt so terrible at the conflict my divied loyalty brought me into. and seemingly cp was that which gave joy.
Truly, truly, it's not the case. I cannot forget what God told me when I told Him "I think I found what Passion is" (referring to cp) and when God speaks there is nothing you can argue with. ppl might find me an argumentative person, always having a point to make... but with God you just go quiet. I mean,you know inside out, that that's the truth. Totally.
I guess He gave me a really good reason to save me out of my own mess. for me to stop all my nonsense. Afterall, I am first a student then a player. Better to be a fool in the eyes of the world than wise in my own. The only quesiton now is when.
Gonna spend more time with God to find out.
I've got a world waiting for me. But its that what I want to go into and become?
hey~ I just bought my new foldable bike. so happy so happy. I'd be using it to go to work in the next few months...
I won't need to walk an agonising 20min to the nearest MRT anymore! Neither do I need to walk 10min to the bus stop to wait for another 10min to wait for the bus just to take 2 stops of bus to the MRT :) yayys but weather's really hot and cycling makes you smelly.. I hope they install deodouriser in the MRT aircons... maybe something that can stick right under your arms HA!
wah, recently training has been super hiong thursday we ran 4 rounds of fartleks with 1 round warm up. plus situps and pushups.. then we paddled like siow with the resistance.. :(
today, we ran 2.4km plus gymed plus paddled like siow again. my streamlyte paddle is like the heaviest, and I didn't have a spray deck. I back paddled until I started sinking. although I had no resistance, 55+18+20+10 =103 laps of paddling. so gross. but everything was fun. edging was weird I just kept going in circles. I hope one day I become flat tummied HA. sounds impossible.
But I just spent the last 90 minutes typing a letter. its like a 2600 word letter. so gross. so long! I hope the recepeient lives through it. haha.
resolution of issues always make me feel better. I won't need to toss in bed thinking about issues and being tormented any more I hope :) *phew*
I'm certainly moving on. It's been too painful to bear.
But I don't know if I can leave right.
one says I'm sorry, I didn't have the courage to stand up for you although I knew friend quality lacking: loyalty
one says I guess you've been unhappy, I'm sorry for whatever that has caused you displeasure. hello, want to apologise be specific. I don't know what you are referring to. and you make it sound like I am at fault. that's no apology. that's saying "you are wrong I am right" in a different way.
red indian chief. mr. mastermind.. you are the one i actually once thought to be most probable to be a good friend. I regret my silly thoughts.
Even if you guys are leaving, or if you guys are not. This is what: I am leaving for better bigger things. but before that, I really don't know what to say to any one of you pseudo-friends. I can't even reply an email, or send a sms. I only told the first 2 people to wait for my reply, because I really have nothing in me. No strength whatsoever anymore, to say "I forgive".
for the simple reason: my primary school friend could face a discipline mistress and stand up for me. and get punished because of me. and say "I don't regret it" But these almost 20-year olds who claim to be brothers & sisters is less loyal than a 11 year old back then.
I never forget that friend although she has her own world now. NEVER FORGET. because she stood up for me. and I wasn't even there when she did that. I was already banished to another place for my punishment. and she made hell for that teacher for the unjustice we felt. I had a class of "friends". but she was the only one who did something about it.
it's not about strength in character, or holiness or what Biblical truth. its the question about mere friendship.
I am such a petty person. But I have been struggling so long, I still cannot CANNOT let it go.
我想我应该轻轻放开你的手 我却没有力气这麽做 O the irony, that letting go needs strength. and we only hold on because we are weak.
today i finally got pissed off with myself for wasting one week of holidays i shall stop my 1pm - 3am days. although its 1am now. i shall go and run everyday and i shall make the best of my 6 weeks
blame myself on being so late today. but i just had to wake my body up and go for a run and psych myself up for eveyrthing i want to do. but i really want to end this all. end this all futile efforts and move on. i want to find something bigger but im so irritated with myself, being held back by small things, bad things and bad habits.
some times my inner voice is full of crap i don't know why i still listen to it. and i think the hardest thing to guard against is your own thoughts, negative detrimental and destructive thoughts. I will channel my energy to subjecting my thoughts under my will to stop entertaining them. I'm NOT schizo! but I need to wise up and be alert.
SETTLE AND LET'S MOVE ON!
inked 01:19 hours
10 May 2009
Start
Seclusion. or rather Resting from everything.
It's the end of week zero since exams ceased. Sort of getting things done, all the nitty gritty things, like packing things up and all that has been accumulated in my business. I can't belive more than 7 months zoomed past me without having a life. Honestly, I always have loads of pictures to load and back up and fun. but this time, 2009 had so little pictures it didn't warrant a folder to be dedicated to it. NO wonder I am burnt out, tired out, and opting out.
I am on a quest, to find perhaps the most important thing in my life - purpose. Some people may think I have found it. But no, I haven't. I was just doing the best at what I liked or what I thought I ought to do. That was all what I could do.
Now, I have pushed all things aside to find out, what is it that I should be doing, what I was made for. Like I said, I really think I will bounce back up. I am on the way up, new beginning and a new start. Finding my way to the fog, which I am sure would end soon.
Friday's prayer meeting was good and not good. Good for everybody but not good for me. Not not good for me, but I was not good.
I think I am very petty, but sorry, the word "friend" means more to me than to most people. I can't imagine saying, okay let's be friends but not being as close. cos friends = close. I can't "give it to God", forgive and say we are friends.
I would have to say in the person's face, I probably forgive u but u shall be ousted from my life. and because nobody says that in people's face, I don't talk about it. Loyalty is a basic requirement not a higher level condition for best friends. Betrayal is a downright despicable act. I probably would eventually find strength to forgive all of you all, but that will take some time. I know I will find it somehow, because man has no right to hold grudges when Christ didn't, doesn't and won't.
My quest will to be find passionate young souls, on fire, real and seriously sincere. My quest will be for a life-long mission and a mark to hit.
and when I was getting out the station, to polo training, i told myself, perhaps I would get the bus just when I arrive at the bus stop. So there's no need to keep my ezlink card. Since I was runnign late, I was praying that God'd give me a bus. And truly, the moment I got of the last flight steps of stairs from the MRT walkover linkway.. I saw the bus and ran for it like I haven't ran in 9998632187 years. And the bus waited for me. And I was the only one on the bus. And there was no other passengers along the way to SRC. I think Dad sent a chauffeur with a six-wheeled mega vehicle to pick me up.
And I got a seat on the peak hour MRT train again. The person right in front of me stood up again.
wah seh! when i was writing all the things to memorise for the enzyme inducers and inhibitors, I smelt a weird smell and heard strange noises, commotion just below my block.
so I looked out and saw nothing. but a really weird and fast moving shadow of a cloud.
I went out of my door and looked up. and saw a unit burning in flames! plus several few explosions. and the sound of the fire engines coming in. what a start for my revision.
inked 14:42 hours
04 May 2009
Superwomen do Exist
as the examinations draw to a close, I am forced to face up to reality. That the temporal comfort of the four walls of my room cannot nullify the turmoil and issues festering in my life. Today I was so excited when I watched a fairly ordinary drama about a fairly extraordinary woman.
And I realised that inside of me, I have always held certain people in awe. Perhaps it started when someone just bought me a book on Extraordinary Women, and having known some extraordinary women.
Coincidentally, all the stories, are true or intertwined with truth, history of war times and hardships. I guess these are the women that inspired me. And was also why I loved reading Marie Curie's biographies...and was always so enchanted by books on her. My utter dislike for physics, especially at history of discovering atoms and elements, could not deter me from opening books and reading about her life. Women who stood up for a cause amidst their own difficulties - Marie Curie was not rich nor healthy but rallied people to donate to medical equipment for the war. I'm inspired.
And as much as I think I need a rest and a break to sort out my thoughts, I think I would like to purpose to bounce back as a super-woman-wannabe:) I shall systematically, critically analyse my utter defiant behaviour and to sort out the thoughts I have jumbled all inside of me. I shall look at the positive thoughts and to question if I truly believe in them and if there is a reason I believe in it, instead of just taking it from what other people say. I shall look at the negative thoughts and purpose not to be as the youth of my generation. I shall renouce the maglinity of my mind and choose to believe the good side of things.
All these, by the grace and guidance of the Living GOD through prayer and waiting upon Him, I believe the worst would be over.
well, its 6 days till pharmaco. I don't think that's a lot of time but I gave myself a good break today. No studying.
but loads of packing I did some things that I thought to do after exams are over. Moreover, I needed to shelf the previous papers away to be able to concentrate on this one coming I needed to pack!
SO i did. I packed my life. my screwed up messed up me. I went through my phone and updated my excel sheet of contacts. I deleted those people I couldn't remember, those who I don't think I'd contact and also an awful lot of those who have left the country, and the people I don't want to contact. I wanted to delete those unneccesary people too, but i realised some time down the road I may need this network of people so I left them in my hp. how sad it is that only a very small percentage of my contacts in my phone are people i can call friends.
I backed up all my notes in my HDD. and then with a clean packed computer, enjoyed watching my HK drama till the very last episode. Sad that I couldn't load the alternate ending cos the last episode was an unhappy one :( i think Sonija Kwok is quite pretty.
I also did the usual post-exam packing of notes and everything, prepare everything for binding... except the last module. Well, after a good night's sleep I will take huiwen's little to do list as the last booster to help me go run and get my fitness back...as well as delve into pharmacology. my long awaited but not so long break is coming. I am going to jump at it as soon as I can. not to waste a moment of my 6 weeks :) For me, Drug names are gonna be a fact of life! I hope happiness would be too.
