and you know, i came online to lament on many a selfish things...
i am all alone here, trying to study and having to go for so many things that people say are important. you know, i sometimes wonder what is the most important.
but anyhow, i am here to mug for the night till 9am to go for instrumentalist training, after that probably go home and sleep, 6pm go and send the darling 78 boys offf...
early in the morning go for church. and like working and like a tumour. cos i am supposed to be off duty and somebody presented a request to swap duties...

today cell group we were talking about continual service - about serving the body of Christ continually but not without break. and part of continual service is being able to be served by people, being sure that during service if something screws up to the max, be sure that the people on duty are handling it. freak. you know our service you are off service and you still have to run and go and help out if some funny guy screws up...or the guitarist doesn't have the chords, or the projectionist is like doing behind the screen stuff forgetting to off the projection so the whole church is watching him copy and paste things in different ppt slides.
i immediately said out loud "that's not possible in chinese ministry" you know you freaking get jumped at that things are not perfect. and so off duty you have paranoid inclinations of what is not aligned, justified, correct font... and i hate the "we younger ones just have to serve cos the old folks can't" are we making too much excuses and putting too much a burden on the young?! The bible says that even the young man grows weary okay... it is ridiculous to be scheduled on so many duties like that is your "divine appointment" and therefore you should "have the grace to do what is required".

I do think, I need to step down from the roles that i have been pushed up to stand and take responisbility for. The lack of manpower does not justify the positioning of people on unfitting roles to their destruction. Neither do I see the need for a bassist when there aren't enough gutiarist. I wonder if we are too eager and trying too hard on our own strength to fulfill what we envision to be a better Church.

so you see, it's all selfish thoughts and of course, my usual (probably maglinity) of my mind that some people just don't care enough for me. oh yah, i am so self-centered.

but it was great that i just read this blog of a senior who is working at a hospital now. that we should upgrade ourselves for the benefit of the patients that we can serve.
she was recounting that she had a hearing impaired patient who refused her asthma medication because they cost 18bucks and she only had a handful of coins. she literally just held out her coins and showed the pharmacist, shook her head and walked off. Oh my tian, like her condition is not under control sia. she can go breathless and die. and yet she could not sufficiently convince or communicate well with the auntie and she was about to leave the polyclinic doors sadly!!! and heng her senior came over and jumped to Sign language.... referring the lady to a medical social worker. Thank God for such social workers. So heart-wrenching... I wish I had all the money in the world to pay for all the sick and poor people's medications. so juvenile.. but that would really be wonderful.
If i had a rich husband, I'd write on the marriage cert to have allowance for me every month to randomly give money to whomever I find to be in need.

I love the needy, I think of them I want to hug them..
but out of that, I am another person... I am my own world.
I am a walking irony, and living contradiction, a confused being on this crappy planet.

Labels: mugging ramblings, on being a pharmacist

as the title suggests, i am here to suggest,
if anyone is considering buying my a 21st birthday present.

I guess I'd do this once in my life only. Because as you age, collagen production decreases as and your skin thins and wrinkles and you can't do such things anymore.

If you never considered buying me a present, a simple birthday wish is just as good :)

SO here goes:

What NOT to get: soft toys and overly flowery things or dresses. don't even try.

What you can consider getting:

-hairdryer, small and sleek, for secret reasons

-a crumpler bag green or yellow or orange, able-to-fit-a-macbook-in-snugly size

-converse sneakers brown or white or mildly pink or yellow or something i guess.

- something to hook to the side of my bed to prevent my feet from flying off the ground when i do sit ups.
not the kind that attaches to the door, cos I AM VERY TALL there isn't space in my room to do sit ups at my door.

- and so maybe exercise mats are good too.

- my camera batteries are weird, they charge weird and are exhausted within a few shots...I am using a Fujifilm Z5 camera. The original battery says its a NP-40 Model 3.6V 750mAh whatever that means. i only need like a couple of them. i don't eat batteries to do homework.

- i just pierced my ears so you can buy me nice ear studs, I don't fancy danglies too much, i like stars and hands and feet and not too kiddish stuff.

- shock resistant watch, although i am a very gentle person somehow non-shock resistant watches don't like me and quit whenever i try to clap my hands. which i do at least every week on sundays. ha.

- you can get me the collagen eye patch from faceshop cos CAs are coming and there are many late nights to convert me from Singaporean to China Panda. or skin food face masks
BUT NOT ANYTHING WHITENING. or aging or anti-wrinkle.

if you have any rich eligible bachelors with helicopters, villas and yachts or cruise ships to their name, you can intro to me and i will be able to buy you all the above list of things for the rest of your lives.

you see i am a very practical person, so you can always find people to share the ridiculously pricey things in the list, if you want.

Labels: simple happyness, yay

you know, there's no point murmuring how church is boggling you down with everything and having no social life in your heart.
because instead, you could be bogged down by loads of social activity with no productivity at all.

oh well, i just came back from 21st birthday party. a surprise party. and I am not as good buddies with the birthday girl than her clique in secondary school... yet i find myself going there.
don't have me mistaken... i had fun. i enjoyed myself.
just that i have a unfinished revision for tmr's CA.

don't have me mistaken. I am not talking about anyone else but myself.

I guess in the end, God really does gives us the desires of our hearts.
and perhaps its just a stage where I go through and have to show myself that social life is not the most that I want out of life and there is something I would be willing to give up these less-than-eternal relationships for.
but without trying, I don't think I will take it lying down. I never took for granted or accepted any physics or mathematical formulas presented to me in school.
sometimes I have the determination to derive them out.
sometimes I only have the curiousity and patience to try figuring them out.

and perhaps after this large roundabout walk in the wilderness, I will conclude that what I was told initially was all right.
but i still want to find it out for myself. because only then i believe i can have all that conviction and preach and share it will all that is within me. perhaps. perhaps.
but i certainly not wish that all these would take too long. it's been taking almost one year already. but surely i want to recuperate the right way and clear all the backlogs.

only then can i walk in a less handicapped way

Labels: 叹, 承诺