when gloom looms and distress deepens
Truth and reason should interfere with emotions

Labels: S.T.R.E.S.S.

sorrow
angina
desperation
uncertainty

sometimes you have a burning request but you know you can never get it
then you ponder if you should just continue like this or should you just express your concern even though you know most probably you won't get it
and then because of this useless request, you are going to look like you have some problem to everybody with everybody

but sometimes,
it just make sense to you
but not to others

I'll see how the next few weeks go
if it really is what suits me, I'd probably just make the request anyway.

hear hear, suits me is such a selfish term anyway.
conscience VS self-benefiting spirit always struggles

Labels: ministry

my printer always ALWAYS messes up when i try to do the print-all-odd-pages-then-print-all-even-pages thing to print double side

which is always when i am in a hurry and busy and need to rush off to school
it leaves me exasperated
sometimes resigned to the fate of a set of notes, with messed up sequence during lectures

today I prayed my way through
purposing to praise God even if it will end up rubbish again.

today the paper ran out
the ink ran out
i pressed the wrong button
and the printer had to stop abruptly through printing jobs.

as I refilled time and again
and clicked resume,
nothing went wrong ...

for 6 sets of notes!
truly a miracle:)

Labels: love:)

well, first and foremost
loudness does create an atmosphere
and indeed we should be doing it with all our strength, might, and soul

2ndly,
we also do not exceed a decibel unit that causes long-term damage to the ear-drums
a generation of prematurely hard of hearing adults is definitely the way the society is headed.
loud MP3 headphones on the train, rock band concerts, blasting music and indulging in it.
there's no limit to the youth nowadays.
but God forbid that the church needs to contribute to such damage to the youth

seriously.

my eardrums hurt at every beat
the ground under my feet tremble to the rhythm.

I hide in my sanctuary behind the glass doors,
to enjoy a reasonable volume level with fantastic spirit, energy and worship.
I must say, the worship element was really truly real.
unlike some bands that goes on about I don't know what... merely a facade masking self

I desire, heart felt worship
And I believe it was there today

I ponder, why should I pump my fist.
Until I did understand the vague meaning behind it.
I couldn't truly pump my fist without knowing for what
neither could I truly draw a intimately strong link.

I desire, radical practical changes.
And I believe I need that in my life right now, this very moment.

I ponder, if anyone was there like me and not for the hype and energy.
because It's terrible to go home feeling empty inside.

I desire, for more of God
less of hype
more of worship
less of volume

I ponder, is it the physical volume that should be turned up or the volume of your life back in school/ home. physical volume should have it limits but spiritual volume should know no boundaries.

and perhaps I am through all this rough patch and stuff.
There's rarely praises sung in my solitude.
only worship
Lamentations would most probably be the word

there must be something wrong with me
for I am filled only with sorrow
a vessel of bitterness of despair
falling short of the grace of God
I find nothing in me to cheer and jump and praise.

I ponder if it would be better to blame it on old age

but I must say, I have out grown this age group.
I seek for new pastures new people who are RELEVANT
who are living with the problems I face, and have conquered.
where are they?
why am I the one to guide.
as the blind leads the blind, all will fall into the pit.

I am twenty one.
I don't need to be stuck with kids.
I can be with them
I don't mind helping out

But I really do need something else
satisfying me
some others, just like me.

Labels: :(, ministry

There is this surreal anxiety building up in me.
After the ordeal of having a convention, a busy weekend followed by 2 heavy duty tests this week..
all was over on wednesday morning.. I went home and satisfied my never-ending sleep debt.

from Wednesday evening to noon on Thursday.
Understand that this is a rare treat especially toward the end of semester, even for a pharmacy student.

but anyhow.. Friday only had one 4pm to 6pm lecture.
sleeping is an escapist's paradise.

with the constant nagging of million things behind my mind.
and deciding to waking up to face the music today, i have a thousand million unwillingness to do some things festering within me.
festering because is malignant, consuming and devouring every good and desirable attribute of my character.
and I find myself delving into a whirlpool of sludge.
of poor behaviour, childish tantrums, and absolutely selfish irresponsible decisions.

how did one decision expose myself to such a slurry of moral onslaught?
a decision that seemed harmless enough
that seemed only a fight between having fun and being busy VS being free and not having as much fun.
became a war to keep the ground of the transformed person who I aspire to be against the ancient forces of self-centred-ness.

I juggle too many balls.
I'm probably crumbling inside, morally, spiritually, socially, intellectually..

regularly giving BS is what I resolve to do.. but ironically..not the youth meetings.
how come I am so short sighted on not seeing the purpose. I only see those of immediate consequence. or maybe I really have outgrown this group that was never really my social class nor age group.
I never heard of new believers asked to set a good example for people who grew up in Sunday school all their life. But of course, I don't qualify as being a new believer anymore. But I don't suppose I fully grow out of that mentality as yet.. that people who have known the Lord for so long are behaving as such. I expected to learn something from them when I first came.. really did.

with another scary test on wednesday and the race to prepare for tuition tomorrow, after friendlies, after sunday service, after tonights youth meeting, after BS.
I have to say I am only human trying to survive on this Earth.
Trying not to have a hope that I can only play canoe polo and go diving and enjoy the sun sand sea only in Heaven!

不爱惜自己的生命以至于死
The Word of God is always a higher standard, a solemn reminder... and not attainable solely by any human effort
It seems I lost that extra I need, sometimes.

Labels: mugging ramblings, S.T.R.E.S.S.

Today was a rainy rainy day from the moment I woke up.
Such is the atmosphere where all things turn surreal, everybody's around you going about their own businesses.
and also a time when you are amidst everybody but in your own umbrella world.
even as I hurried into the shelter and out of my umbrella.
it continued to linger around me

I saw afar, the newly renovated coffee shop of old.
amongst those that newly sprang up to the left and to the right..
I decided.
to see if i could spot any reminiscent of the past - my past
I walked through every store, supposedly to find a satisfaction for my growling stomach
but looking instead for familiar faces and signboards.

I found one - the kueh tu tu man with his ancient tools.
his bulky metal box with secret little compartments that never fails to amaze the customers as they wait without complaint. Low technology, delicious but time consuming to make delicacies.
simple happiness has been resounding in my life for some time now
and even more so when I finally got my kosong kueh tu tu-s:)

I can still remember making a fuss and wanting Daddy to carry me so I could see Uncle Kueh Tu Tu do his rhythmic stunts while preparing the kueh tu tu-s. white round pleasures of flour. and to my surprise, 21 years later. The prices are still the same - 3 for $1, coconut or peanut :) But being a weird kid I was/am.. I always wanted only flour. I'm glad that over the years, more people have joined the camp of "oleh! kosong kueh tu tu!"

I still sat down, with my disgruntled tummy, at the old meepok store.
new tables, new helpers, and a new sign saying "Self-Service"
the boss was Daddy's friend and we used to get free flow of soup with extra ingredients in our mee.
because of health reasons he merely leased the store to others.
leaving behind only the familiary utensils and tools

I sat down and ate my yummy mee.
I looked up and saw children coming back from child care.
I listened, and heard them speak as I used to.

Just a stone throw away, was my childcare.
Proudly, St. Andrew's Cathedral Childcare Center.
where they served egg mayonise sandwiches on Tuesdays and Oats on Thursdays.
Where I made my first best-friends and imagined being on The Power Rangers' space crafts after our meals and was busy fighting aliens whilst pressing imaginary buttons.

The heart of my neighbourhood.
has been thorugh 3 major renovations over the last 2 decades.
and every new beginning just dilutes the flavour furthere, uproots the hearts of many and live us lingering and finding less to hold on to.
I honesty was quite fearful that Uncle Kueh Tu Tu wouldn't be around anymore. That I won't have yummy chee cheong fun to eat in the mornings.
for one, my favourite chicken rice and char siew rice store has been gone.
Nothing anywhere ever tastes the same, despite trying to find one.

I see, that even though ambition and the lure of a glamorous life may seem to be all so fulfilling.
Maybe I'm not one suited for it.
After all the crazines and fun outside.
I need a place called home. a place of security. for that should be the core of everyone. and what fills it should only simple and good.

I believe that life should be filled.. primarily with simple happiness :)

Labels: nostalgia, sillythings

one step further from the world
one step into impossibilities.

the last days. i hope i haven't fallen short, will not fall short and never will.
pour prayer.

主你能力何其的伟大
在你再也没有任何限制
虽然我看到的是
不可能的现实
在你却没有难成的事

dare or not?

Labels: ministry, 我的良人

kimmie!
no you didnt wake me up
i was awake

but my SMS inbox was full and by the time i saw it, it was too late to reply! :(:(
I'm dying from dimenhydrinateand diphenydramine
i will pretty soon need diazepam or vallium.

this is the only place i can contact u so i hope you see this!
it's 4AM now and I have a never-ending todolist.

I have a lab practical at 9am later. UGH.

Labels: mugging ramblings

because having a million things to do is no reason that you cut short on anyone of them.
because you still have to be in tip-top condition for everything
even if you have all the things under the sun to do.

I think I'd be letting some people down again.
I feel like its very ridiculous and dua pai to make certain request. but I don't have much choices at hand. Sorry.

Labels: mugging ramblings, S.T.R.E.S.S.

Day 1 of the real fight. the real war. the real semester is when mid-term break is over and things accelerate.
The real fight, when I decided: that I will still give my best in ministry as well as canoe polo.
because now, competition dates probably clash with baptism class dates.

I feel a sudden need to grow up.
My 1st agonising project is gone. The agony. is not the people.
The agony is the vast difference in the way we work.
The agony is me. I am more puzzled, and anxious than angry and frustrated.
But somehow the way I communicate or express things, have not been well balanced and turns out to portray me as an angry frustrated person. I am not!

puzzled: that there are people who work this way!
I am always puzzled at things foreign to me, or out of my normality.

I try to encourage, and try to spur people on.
but somehow it turns out that they say I put them down.

I try not to be too serious as I know I can be, I try to add in a lil humour.
But somehow it turns out that I am not serious and always talking crap. I am not.

I try now, to be serious, no need to talk rubbish. Cut the chase. Cut the crap.
But somehow it turns out that I am lone unhappy unfriendly. I am not.

I try now to be objective, not taking sides, not offending the 2 camps of people. but wanting to help. But somehow it seems I will be treading on dangerous grounds, going to offend one party and side the other. I do not take sides. I speak the truth. and how things I think ought to be done.

I try to be a leader. I try to tell people what's right, what to do when to do.
Somehow turns out I'm the bossy kid, only to be ostracised and ignored.
Thanks for ostracising me and then being nice again.

I try to lighten your load, by promising more teams, more rotation, less rostering per month.
But somehow, before it materialises I get an unfriendly "Where's your other teams? Why haven't they materialised?"
Maybe on this matter I am being too sensitive.
Maybe its really a soft spot that I feel I really am not doing my best yet.
Maybe its just you.
I always jump to defending myself when you criticise me. Maybe its just us. We can never communicate properly. or is this a self-fulfililng prophesy that nothing will work out..why will it? complicated matter-mental note: shelf aside for the longest possible time


I try to do my best.
I try to juggle everything.
glass cleaning roster, church library, discipleship, follow up, youth, sunday 1001 duties, canoe polo, studies, praying, friends, family, extended family, spending time with Him, housework, guitar, worship, baptism class, assurances, 10 truths, tuition...


I actually can only juggle 2 balls for 3 seconds in real life.
DO I LOOK LIKE SUPERWOMAN?
So why don't people around me be realisitc about expectations of me.

I am not superwoman.
有时候真的会很想作个小女人。
有时候 = rarely.
because that's when i have an escapist mentality.

but now is not the time. now is time to confront and to run.
out of breath and angina kicks in.
old injuries hurt and fatigue sets in.
dehydration and the glaring sun strips me off any other energy I have left.
That's when, I rely on Someone else.:D

I believe.
Believing is seeing.

Labels: mugging ramblings, S.T.R.E.S.S., 承诺