firstly, to Yucks Yang: that hand warmer thing became my exam buddy. my exam venue happened to be freezing and I'm usually frozen before everyone is. now I am so warm and fuzzy while doing my paper :)
secondly, to everyone who told me that winning wasn't everythign, that I should treasure the process.. to everyone who told me that I tried too hard acting or being cool.. to everyone who told me that I come up with stupid horrible songs to sing... take a look at that 乒乓圆! I think my songs are better than the.."乒乒乓乓...."
actually, its only the first paper down. and thursdays paper I haven't started studying but anyway, I found a million and one mistakes
but I have this weird sense of triumph. maybe because I triumphed not in terms of knowledge or intellectual capabilities. but because prayers are answered. I needn't rely on Loperamide or Lomotil to stop my Sacroplasmic Reticulum from releasing its Ca2+ stores. I had not a single spasm throughout my paper :) prayer works.
I'm chilling now, and resting and waiting for my next HK drama. i waited one hour in front of TV watching lame taiwan show just to realise that I have caught this episode on the internet before. -.- but never mind i can wait for the repeat of 7pm show
eh. i m supposed to be studying :P oh since exams are here, maybe God decided to give me back a sound internet connection this morning i went online and realised all the websites are loading properly now i can finally check my mail on my on macbook and even log in to my nus websites :D
but Pet society still cannot load. God really knows me inside out. ha.
well, i haven't been the goody good girl studying as much. but this semester, i really got the real stuff of what being a pharamcist is like. and i can say i like what i am studying, don't mind learning about all these.
I'm looking forward to one of the few careers that stems from the purpose of helping others lead better lives :) I know that under the 9 to 5 job, there should be something more than just mere earning money. If not, then being a tai-tai would be the most fulfilling thing on Earth.
I have left home only 1 time since I reached home from Sunday after service, had a drink with my lovely neighbour and she pei-ed me walk around Guardian and listen to me guess what's in each product before I flipped over to see the package label. I think it's gonna be a lifelong occupational hazard. That flipping to the back of the package label or looking for the package insert would be my instinct. Well, at least product packaging would not have much of an effect on me any more :)
Hurhur, my macbook is cranking up and so is the nus website. I have been living off other people's laptops to check my emails. now I'm using my old trusty desktop PC once again. I used to think it was beyond hope, but thank God it revived after its long dormancy. can't help but think of my ex when I use it though Anw, about my petition pending. I guess it will soon come to a conclusion. I could be, moving on into another phase of my life. and it feels like I have failed this phase terribly. starting off well and ending off terribly. It seems so for every phase of my life, and it is all because of troublesome humans and interpersonal relationships. it always drains me, always. I feel so apathetic to them now, I don't even want to be related. I just moved the entire group from the top of my MSN contact list downwards. to think we were once peers, friends, and maybe I one-sidedly thought that these would be my forever friends. Or so I heard from the older ones. I doubt I would be speaking much to them at all if I am released.
But if I were, I wouldn't know where else to go. I don't belong anywhere in where I am to belong. No Bread in the House of God.
I am part of them, and a leader only in name. I wonder, don't we all need peers to support and strengthen us? other than God? maybe because they are all married people and they do have their source of support already. are true friends only a previllege of the young?
I feel so neglected. Like what I say is not really being understood, or taken real. until now. which seems the only issue is to release or not to release me. or maybe i have misunderstood.
but the home should be MORE than doing things right or mere responsibility. there are things urgent and at hand that should be dealt with right away. but when there is slack time, other issues should be addressed. relationships should be fostered. time should be spent without stress without requirement without schedule with all amount of love.
where is the true stuff?!?!?!?!?!!?! give it to me!!!!!!!!!!
Today is a special day. adventurous day. Happy Birthday to the one of the most important person in my life. and 2 other classmates.
Anyway, I am so glad I got things off my chest. I told my ridiculous request(which i talked about previously) to M and M, both. And I sort of got a short time with P & A.R. to say about all that has been on my mind.
Boy, am I glad that today I was not just dismissed as grumbling, ramblings. I recall saying the same sentence ever since I could remember, in JC. but now, maybe because SOMEBODY else did make a similar request, mine stands. I am no longer laughed at just because of my younger age, and me being more youth than them.
I guess they don't understand what is JC-secondary school difference in their realm. Neither do they understand the fact that well-looked-after, church-grown pampered kids and heartlanders who have no restriction and rough-it-out on their own have a greater gap of maturity.
it is an issue. that my cries are never taken seriously. but heck, at least my petition is through, pending and in consideration. it's long been a bugging nagging thing, of being amongst immature pseudo-young adults of impeded academic abilities and stuck-up personalities.If your english is bad, no need to pretend its good.
think about it. they're how far away from their secondary school only and they have people in their age group. yet they're proclaimed "cannot fit in" is accepted. when I have been how many years away from my secondary school liao.
whatever i gladly can say, I'M ON MY WAY OUT OF HERE.
inked 01:18 hours
15 April 2009
being nerdy is good
After the past 3 weeks of competition and giving up on living up to expetations, I've found Good Friday, a really good day to pack up my room and sort out some thoughts.
now, Canoe Polo has ceased and I have conveniently or inconveniently pushed away all assignments from church. I am now just a student.
I've been couped up in my world, studying. studying eating watching tv occassionally. then hitting the books. the dry content is still dry the hard to remember drug names are still never ending and ever-so-confusing dimenhydrinate diphenhydramine chlorphenhydramine and diphenoxylate are really different drugs!
but anyway, I feel so much more relaxed today :) just being a student. I now know, a step further, that student life is really to be cherished and relatively worry-free.
though my intestines have been acting weird again these few days. I certainly hope for the best. I hope definitely that my defiance has not incurred wrath. nor my bitterness brought about any calamity on myself. I'd get a check up only after exams. which is still a while more to go.
幸福 is in simplicity. and I felt much so today, when I get to be fetched to and from school being so old already. and have home - cooked meals. it's a rare treat. and so i know today, is a rare day of coincidences. i can count with my 2 hands days I get home-cooked food every year.
I'm back to the basics of my life - studying. and what usually is the most stressful peroid of my life has now become a sanctuary of peace and solitude. I wish You'd come too. like You used to. if You'd like to, still.
i'm sitting in my elective's documentary lecture. an optional,n on-tested thing for interested people and the LT is 10% filled!
Einstein's Universe and Quantum Weirdness.
Weird indeed that Stephen Hawking just said that the only way of solving or getting around the singularity problem was simplifying the universe. Simplifying that the universe had no time in the first place. i.e. there is no beginning and no end. Because of the fact that the universe cannot be solved when u assume singularity, that the universe exists as a small compact single point of intense density, energy and consisting of all the particles that form our present universe.
Just yesterday, we saw the Bible say "In the Beginning, God ..." so God existed before time, before the beginning and He has no end no beginning. He is the Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End.
The theory of Big Bang also says that at that exact point the Big Bang ought to happen. just a deviation of the 15th decimal place in seconds (time) would have disrupted the delicate equation and the Big Bang would not have gave rise to the universe we now know.
I acknowledge that probably there was a Big Bang. But its trigger is delicate, fragile and can only be explained by a Creater giving a cue.
Neither would random explosions create beauty in our nature now. I believe that post-Big Bang, a Designer would have had to orchestrate how quantum particles floated around to form the beauty our eyes can behold now.
Big Bang, if existed, could in no way be random.
in any case, im glad im done with this module! 100% done! just handed up the final term paper and there is no exam for this module! :D
inked 17:19 hours
09 April 2009
IT'S OUT~
the instant noodles is boiling and I'm playing the song Hero is playing
all feels so surreal that such and such a defiant child of God has got her prayer answered
I'm going to an ideal spot for my preceptorship. and although going to batch 1 is the choice for most people and I also put that down, I regretted it cos I'm like so dead beat tired now I feel like collapsing anytime. And God knows.
so I got batch 2. I get to rest.
I am going to buy a bicycle to cycle to work. :)
and I got to work at Guardian! My dream place for attachment! :D non-pharmacy people will be scratching their heads. but it's Guardian is better than polyclinic or unity or watsons okayy.
one can dream and dreams motivate. i realise my dreams i am not a perepetual dreamer i rest and dream and work to realise them.
this totally fits into the dream i have had last night. a dream that kept me awake and filled with excitement. a dream for REST.
never realised how important that is? then you never really lived.
I know my mummy is wonder woman. I once thought it would be great if I could be too.
I can’t stand to fly I’m not that naive I’m just out to find The better part of me
I’m more than a bird...i’m more than a plane More than some pretty face beside a train It’s not easy to be me
Wish that I could cry Fall upon my knees Find a way to lie About a home I’ll never see
It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive Even heroes have the right to bleed I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede Even heroes have the right to dream It’s not easy to be me
I can’t stand to fly I’m not that naive Men weren’t meant to ride With clouds between their knees
I’m only a man in a silly red sheet Digging for kryptonite on this one way street Only a man in a funny red sheet Looking for special things inside of me Inside of me
I’m only a man In a funny red sheet I’m only a man Looking for a dream
I once pondered on being an average Sunday Christian. not serving so much and spending so much time. but I thrashed that idea because that'd be just contradicting my principle of "want to do, then do your best". I wonder why people want to be Sunday Christians in the first place. I won't choose such meaningless existence.
